Sunday, October 6, 2013

Dorothy's Diary: Season of Changes

I want to start by letting my fellow challengers know how much it helps me and impacts me to read your blog posts.  To see the progress you are all making.  To see how everyone goes through tough times, and also how everyone is achieving progress, taking chances, making changes, learning self-acceptance and gaining more peace.  I get inspired every time I read a post.  I celebrate every inch of progress you make.  I feel connected and not alone.  I’ll say it again, I love reading your posts!  (Big shout out to the Facebook participants and those who comment on my posts.  You all inspire and encourage me!)

September 22, 2013
I attended a workshop on discovering true individual purpose, self-realization and fulfillment.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.  Some of the things I came away with include:
  • I don’t have just one divine purpose that I must find and fulfill.  I get to decide what my purpose is and I can change it in my lifetime.
  • My work/career does not need to be my life purpose.  It certainly can be, but work may be something that allows me to pursue my purpose.
  • I learned that getting sick is not the crisis; rather the crisis is not knowing if you are going to live or die.  Getting laid off is not the crisis; rather figuring out how to survive afterwards is the crisis.
Hearing these things caused a big shift inside me.  I no longer worried about having to make the right decision.  No matter what decision I make, I can still fulfill my life purpose(s).  I get to decide.  As I drove back home that night, I felt tension easing away.

September 23, 2013
Got ready for work and walked to my car.   Brrrrr…cold this morning.  Got in the car, turned the key, the car wouldn’t stay on.  Tried 5 times, even tried flooring the gas pedal.  No go.  Called AAA and it was off to the repair shop.  Found out what was wrong.  The immediate repairs would cost me almost a month’s rent.  OK, this was it….time to decide.  Do I walk away from my car now?  Do I walk away from Seattle now?  Do I move even though I don’t have another job yet?  Even though I’m still participating in the gluten free challenge?

I feel much better these days.  Still, I considered how much energy (and money) it would take to move, to look for a job, to stay gluten free.  Then I made a decision.  No, today was not the day.  It didn’t mean I was staying in Seattle forever.  It just meant I was not moving today.  I said “yes” to the repairs and I felt at peace.  At the end of the day, I climbed back into “Lizzie” and she drove like a new car.  This time when I motored up the big hill towards my home, my car didn’t slow down.  It was a smooth ride.  I felt gratitude.

The next few days felt good and calm.  I could feel the desire to make a home.  It wasn’t about deciding to stay in Seattle.  It was simply about wanting to make my home.

September 29, 2013
Email to Iris:  I can't believe it, I just can't believe it.  I have hung 7 pieces of art.  And I cleared out 3 boxes from the dining room area and threw away 2 trash bags.  And now I finally attempted to figure out my china hutch and I got the screws in by myself.  And I'm washing the glass shelves, which means I am going to be able to clear out my last box and move the crystal into the china hutch.  This feels huge.  I feel like crying with happiness.  I don't even understand it all except I know it's some huge thing inside me.  That I got this done.   OMG Iris, I'm going to make it.  I'm actually going to make it.  Sending you so much love right now because I wouldn't have gotten there without you and the GF challenge.

A bit later, I went to the kitchen.  Things were really bubbling up.  Crying, then sobbing.  I kept repeating out loud:  I’m going to make it, I’m going to make it, I’m going to make it.  With the sobs I could feel fear rising up and out of my body.  I was releasing (more) fear.  I started feeling lighter, literally lighter.   What a trip!  Even with all the progress I had made this year, I must have still been subconsciously questioning my survival.  Somehow, processing this past week and hanging my art led to all this.

I walked to the bathroom, looked at myself and spoke:  “I’m alive, I’m going to live.”   My heart and lungs were vibrating, sensitive almost to the point of pain.  I felt the power of those words throughout my whole body.

October 5, 2013
Woke up this morning, hung up my large paintings.  Washed the last bit of crystal.  As I write this post, all boxes in my apartment have been unpacked and thrown away.  Most of my art has been hung now.  One pile of paperwork left to go.  I am almost done.  I can’t tell you how happy I feel about this.

OK, I’m going to listen to Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” now and do some dancing in my (nearly) clutter free office.  Hope you all have a great week.



Rebecca said...

Beautiful post, bravo!

Elizabeth A. said...

I got goose bumps reading your post! What a wonderful testament to your strength and commitment to learning and growing. I don't know you but I'm proud of you just the same. Also, thanks for sharing the points from the workshop. That will help me to think that I don't have just one divine purpose and if I don't figure it out I'm not a failure!


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