Monday, October 21, 2013

Amy's Bandwagon: Anxiety and Perfection

I have been thinking about writing this post all week.  In a way, I am a little nervous to admit this, even though I shouldn't be.  I'm a social worker and I should know that it is not a scandalous thing to admit that you have issues.  The issue that I deal with, though not on the same level as other people, is anxiety.  I was recently reading through some of my old report cards, even going back as far as kindergarten (the grade my oldest is in), and I realized that I hd anxiety type issues even back then.  I always get anxious around people and certain situations, especially new situations.  I guess this could be a pretty normal thing and overall, it doesn't always effect me negatively.  Where it does though, is when I don't allow myself to experience things because I'm too afraid of what others will think of me or that, God forbid, I'm not perfect at something.  

How does this play into the challenge?  Early on, Mia and I talked about my perfectionism issues and how it relates to food.  In the past, I would give up on gluten free eating/living if I had a slip. Then it would just send me on a downward spiral, where I kept eating what I shouldn't.  Have I been perfect with this challenge? Nope!  The best part of that is, I didn't give up and allow it to defeat me.  I may slip up, but I don't beat myself up.  I did have some anxiety about joining in on this challenge.  I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to live up to what I was saying I would do.  Now, I realize that it's ok not to be perfect all the time.  As I say that, I have to admit that I still have a hard time being okay with not being perfect and still find myself holding back due to the fear of failure.  It's better, but needs some improvement.

One thing that I am going to do, even though I am very anxious about it, is to join my town's local arts collaborative.  A friend has been trying to get me to join, but I have always felt less than.  Never really felt like an artist.  I'm still having a hard time calling myself an artist, but I am working on that.  I told my husband I am no longer going to call myself a quilter or a knitter or say that I scrapbook or make cards.  I am going to refer to myself as an artist who works in paper, fiber, beads, and clay mediums.  Maybe if I start referring to myself as an artist who works with certain media, I will start feeling like an artist.

Maybe if I start believing more in myself, I won't have as much anxiety, I'll start trying things, and maybe even be better at putting the right foods in my mouth more often.


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