Sunday, September 22, 2013

Dorothy's Diary: Mr. Dynamic (The Way We Were)

Remember how happy and glowing my last post was about Mr. Dynamic?  My last sentence was “Forget about maintaining balance when you just had the sun, the moon and the stars.”   Yes, it was a fairytale event.

No Contact - Month 1

Like Bonnie Raitt sings in her song, “I Can’t Make You Love Me.”  In this case, I couldn’t make Mr. Dynamic like me, or even call me.  I never heard from Mr. Dynamic again.

For the next four weeks, I thought about Mr. Dynamic every single day.  I alternated between anger, crying, disbelief, confusion, sadness, missing Mr. Dynamic and then completely writing him off.  It was a roller coaster ride.

In spite of all the emotions, I did not call Mr. Dynamic.  I valued myself, I respected myself, and I didn’t want to be with anyone who couldn’t treat me right.  I wanted him to take action.  I wanted 2-way communication, even on a casual basis.  So I didn’t call, wouldn’t call.

I kept thinking, surely something must be up.  He’s always been very direct with me.  This silence seemed so inconsistent with the man I knew.  Then it dawned on me….. maybe, just maybe, the reason our last visit was extra nice is because Mr. Dynamic had already decided that it would be the last time.  Oh…….

With that realization, my whole perspective changed.  I was no longer offended about being stood up.  I got it.   He had chosen this as a strategy to exit.  The anger started subsiding.

I fully believe either party has the right leave a relationship (or in this case a whatever-ship) any time they choose.  It does no good to be clingy or try to make something happen.  Honestly, I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me.

I knew it was time to release and let go.  I didn’t need to know what happened, all the reasons why.  Maybe it was better not to know.

No Contact - Month 2

Still thinking about Mr. Dynamic but with a gradual decrease of emotion.  Sometimes feel sadness, but nothing like before.   With the emotional distance came new awareness.

You know how I didn’t feel when things ended?
I did not think it was my fault.
I did not think it was because my body wasn’t good enough.
I did not feel wronged or shamed.  
I just saw it as an experience.
And that is absolutely a result of this Gluten Free challenge.

Here is a diary excerpt towards the end of Month 2:

As I was leaving work, I was hit with an intense longing for the beach.  Instead of heading south towards my apartment, I drove north to Alki Beach.  As I crossed the West Seattle Bridge, I could feel the longing turn into a physical pain.

Arrived at Alki Beach and walked across the sand towards the water.  Rolled up my jeans and waded into the water.   The relief was so overwhelming I almost started crying.  Started breathing, really breathing.  I could smell the ocean.   I looked across the ocean and saw the Seattle skyline, the misty mountains in the backdrop.   It didn’t feel like home, but it was closer……I felt better.   I knew this feeling was important.

Thoughts moved to Mr. Dynamic.  Even though he is not perfect, I got to experience how wonderful it is to be with someone who is sexy AND intelligent AND extraordinary.  Getting over the body shame and having liberating sex was really great.  Now I truly understand that I am unique, not like everyone else, and I very much need a partner who is unique and not like everyone else.   Someone interesting.   Someone who I love sleeping next to – where our bodies fit together.

I am being shown how WONDERFUL things are (and feel) when I ask for or get MORE than what I expect.  I need to aim higher.  I need to aim real high so I can have that amazing life I want.   OK, universe, I want that GREAT life.  I want everything.   I want abundance, excellence, in all areas of my life.

I just started crying at the computer as I’m writing.  I just got it!  I got the message from the Universe.  Finally, finally.  It’s a relief.   I’m being shown to ask for more.  It’s out there waiting for me.  I have to ask for it.  I have to dream it.  I’m feeling waves of relief coming out of my chest area, my heart.  Waves of relief because I just got it.  And now I think that’s going to unlock things for me……so they can come to me.  I want WONDERFUL, I want AMAZING, I want EXCELLENCE, I want ME.

No Contact - Month 3

Much more emotional distance now.  My perspective has shifted even more.

I wonder how I would have done on the gluten free challenge if things had really taken off with Mr. Dynamic?  Would it have sabotaged my gluten free challenge?   Did things last for the perfect amount of time?

People say, “it’s just sex.”   But my body had not felt good for most of my time in Washington.  My body hadn’t worked right and had experienced intense pain day after day after day.   Mr. Dynamic was able to bring me great pleasure, make my body feel good again.  That was something my body, mind and spirit needed to experience and remember….. that I could feel amazingly good again.

Do I still think of Mr. Dynamic?  Sometimes.  Mostly I think of him with fondness because I recognize the impact he had on my life.  My time with Mr. Dynamic was a powerful and lovely experience that helped me connect with my power, helped me heal, and definitely jump-started my life to a higher level.  Mr. Dynamic helped to remind me of who I was, and what I liked about myself.  Mr. Dynamic made me face one of my greatest fears, and allowed me to see that I am courageous.  Even amazing.  You can’t imagine how good it feels to see these things about yourself.

I recently read a TUT quote that went something like this:
Worst case scenario:  the sun, the moon and the stars for one night
Best case scenario:  the sun, the moon and the stars for a very long time

In either scenario -- or anything in between -- I still get the sun, the moon and the stars.   And that’s how I view my Mr. Dynamic experience.



Carole Ann said...

"I valued myself, I respected myself, and I didn’t want to be with anyone who couldn’t treat me right." Yay Dorothy! The song going through my head is "I don't want nobody who don't want me-e, too many fish in the sea-e". I was concerned for you after your last post re: Mr. D. Fun as it was it sounded like he was just making a booty call, and you deserve so much more than that. Have you heard of the site I was just looking at it last night and was impressed. It is FREE, (my fav price), and it had a 1000 item questionaire! You answer what is true for you and what are acceptable answers from your potential match, then how important the issue is to you. (irrelavent-mandatory). I know you wanted more from this relationship than he wanted to give. Maybe with such a comprehensive questionaire you could find someone more on your wavelength who wants the same things and is willing to put in the same effort. Go for the gold girl.

Dorothy said...

Dear Carol Ann. It took me a while to process my feelings after reading your comments. First, I felt a lot of love and I appreciated it so much. As soon as I got to the part about on-line dating, I could feel myself have a reaction. I was scared, felt not ready. I thought about all of this for over a week. You are right, Mr. Dynamic was a booty call, each time, and that's all I was ready for. I knew exactly what it was going into it. After I had such a good time and amazing "break thrus" I decided I could be brave enough to try for more. But that's not how it worked out. The reason I don't have bad feelings -- and the reason I actually have positive feelings -- is because I went into this wanting and only ready for a one-night stand (or something casual). And it turned into a much larger (amazing) experience. I got so much from it. That's why I ended my post with "no regrets."

Now I will say deep inside that I do want more, a loving relationship would be awesome. It's all baby steps for me and now, after Mr. Dynamic, I'm ready for the next step. I'm not sure exactly what that "next step" will be, but I am now open to it and I know it will come. My life has changed so much this year. Hey, maybe my next step can just be checking out to see. I happen to react better when it's spontaneous, so maybe I should open my eyes a little more at the grocery store - ha ha! I love that you wrote Carol Ann, I love that you are rooting for me. Take care of yourself.

Dorothy said...

I just had one new thought that is important to share. The experience with Mr. Dynamic helped me see the possibilities....and that's what I needed to see in order to move forward. I think that's really the crux of it all. I needed to see and feel the possibilities.


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