Saturday, August 17, 2013

Shannon Speaks: Random Bits and Pieces

So I've thought for a few days what this entry will be about, and I couldn't come up with a single, solid idea. I had several, but none seemed extensive enough to be a full entry. How do bloggers always seem to have something to write about?? So I thought, "Why not just take all those little bits and make that into my post?" And so it goes...

A few weeks ago, I got a delivery that I've been waiting for. It was something I ordered June 30, 2012. I knew that the item I ordered could take at least a year, and I received an e-mail at the beginning of July, verifying my shipping address and that my order would be in by the end of July. A few months after we lost Michael, I came across a non-profit for grieving mothers called, Molly Bears ( They are a group that makes teddy bears for grieving moms that weigh what their newborns weighed. They have an obscene waiting list and work off of donations. They said that it takes approximately $45 to create a bear, so since I could afford to, I donated more than the cost of my bear to allow others that couldn't afford it to have the comfort of a bear.   

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were getting ready to head out just as the mail was coming. The dog was going insane, and when Sean went outside to get the mail, he told me that my box was in. From the box was the softest teddy bear I've ever had. And at 9 pounds 2 ounces, the heaviest! I completely lost it. I cried without abandon and it felt cathartic. The one time we got to hold Michael, I was so tired and weak that the nurses piled receiving blankets under my arm to help support him. Until I held my bear, I didn't remember what 9 pounds 2 ounces felt like. It's so heavy! I took my bear upstairs to the nursery, and he's been in the crib ever since. I've gone into the nursery several times and held my bear, just sitting in the glider, talking to Michael. I'm sure there are some people out there that will say that's weird, but I don't see it as that. It's my normal. Sad, but true. 

The office has hit a standstill. I should be cleaning that right now, but I need to stick to my deadlines better, and Miss Iris deserves the politeness of receiving my post by the time frame she asks for. The desk is done and I've sort of organized some of the books. What's holding it up is actually my husband's pile of stuff. Maybe I'll put it all in boxes and move it into the guest room so I can put the new bookcases up without having to wait on him. Once I finish this, that's what I'll be doing. 

So my birthday is coming up next week, Tuesday the 20th, actually. I'm trying to convince my husband that I should take the day off since I need to renew my license and deserve a break. Problem is, three people will be out of the office that day, and if I take off, there will only be three people total there. I don't want to piss people off. Sean and I usually go for dinner, so I've decided on PF Changs, since other than my own Chinese cuisine, I haven't had any since vacation in June. I've asked my family for no party or celebration this year. Instead, I've asked them all to attend a fundraiser where I'll be raising money for Children's Hospital of Philadelphia for CDH research, which is where and what Michael was born with. It will be the first birthday I've ever celebrated without a big party and all the fanfare, and oddly, as of right now, it doesn't seem to bother me. We'll see how that all feels as the day comes and goes.   

Other than that, I'm just working on healing my cluttered life and mind. The goal is to have it on track by the start of the school year, in a mere 2 1/2 weeks. Ugh. I can't believe summer is already that close to being over. Now that makes me sad.  



Dorothy said...

Hello Shannon! First of all, you look smashing in your colorful pants and white shirt. You look good!

Congratulations on all your progress with the clutter.

I've never heard of Molly Bears before but I think that is the neatest idea. What a wonderful organization. The bear looks so good, and soft, and it's so personal with the matching weight. I thought the image of you holding your bear and talking to Michael was beautiful. Just beautiful. I hope you have a great birthday Shannon, enjoy the fundraiser.

Elizabeth A. said...

Phew. What a sweet and moving post. And what a sweet gift the bear is, that helps you to process your grief and feel the love that you have for the little one who is no longer in your arms. I cannot imagine how hard that is, but I sure don't think it's weird to talk to that bear. Thanks for sharing.

Delicious Alternatives said...

Hi Shannon, I loved your post. Isn't it amazing how you think you have nothing to write about and then it just comes. I love the Bear and am so glad you cried and cried. As I read your post I cried as I could feel you holding your precious boy ( bear). Sending you wonderful b-day wishes and hugs as you heal on this journey. I am going to post the Courage to Fly program on the FB page, it might interest you as we are trying to raise money to build a school in Nicaragua. :)

Rebecca West said...

I love the idea of mollybears! When one of my clients lost her husband to cancer, we turned his collection of hawaiian shirts that he wore all the time into teddy bears, one for each of the children and grandchildren, and of course one for his wife, my client. They were so charming and so personal. What a wonderful way to remember someone you loved. I hope the bear brings you comfort and peace, as well as letting you sit with and work through your grief.


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