Thursday, August 1, 2013

From Rose's Garden: Crazy Little Thing Called Pain

Welcome to month 3 of the Gluten Free Health Challenge! Lovely Ms. Rose is starting off our month by sharing some experiences that anyone with chronic pain will understand. Her post really resonated with me, as I share some similar patterns with her. Does it resonate with any of you?

I've had a rough go of it the past couple weeks or so. My roughness began a few weeks back when, after a few nights of meditating, some nagging issues chose to rise to the surface. They rose several nights in a row. Issues on a very personal level that I need to find a way to deal with...a healthy way. Not the way that I have handled them for far too long.

I have a definite pattern:

  1. Ignore the issues and continue to try to do everything with no help. 
  2. Overdo to the point that I get completely and totally fed up with the situation. Wait, I am always fed up... Okay, so there are times when I am just incredibly tired of stuffing these feelings deep inside my being. 
  3. Upon realizing that I am, literally, sick and tired of having no time to relax, I feel used. 
  4. Feeling used and misunderstood, I begin to dwell and mull over it and internalize everything for a while, which results in...
  5. Anger!!! I become very angry just thinking about it!
  6. I allow the anger to take control and thrust me into complete and total BITCH-DOM!!!
After going through all of the steps that I just identified, I had a very honest talk with the person who causes most of this frustration for me. I calmly explained how I feel and what I want, as well as what I don't want. Mind you, we have had this talk many times over. The results are always the same. There is a brief scramble to help me that doesn't last long. I am hopeful that I will have better results this time. There is always, always hope! I embrace hope as a truth, a very, very real truth.

Confronting all of this head on always results in a lot of mulling and quiet thinking. I have always been this way. I sometimes attribute it to my ADHD. Other times, I blame it on the years of abuse as a child and teen. I learned to draw inward, a sort of coping mechanism if you will. Who knows what it really is. It's me, Rose. This is who I am. I tend to over think situations. The way I think has allowed me to be a pretty good listener and very empathetic with others. The best that I can do is to try not to over think too much. I have become better at this, especially after the realization 6 years ago that I have fibromyalgia. Too much internalizing and mulling makes me sick, and I don't want to inflict this upon myself. Only "me, myself, and I" can control this.

Last Friday, I wasn't feeling too well. I was having a lot of stomach issues and discomfort. I seldom have issues like this because I have learned that managing my food really helps. The stomach issues became bowel issues later in the day. By Saturday morning, I was feeling pretty rough. There was a little cloud over me. I stopped at a flea market Saturday morning when I was running errands. It was raining steadily. I had on flip flops and there were puddles everywhere. I ran around from booth to booth, trying to feel normal. Okay, so I didn't run. I meandered. I found a great deal - after some haggling - on a vintage, green canning jar, complete with the original lid. I adore old things. I sat there for a few minutes, laughing at myself. Silly, silly woman. I was soaking wet. My flip flops were dripping water and my toes were black from the mud. All I wanted to do was get warm. I started to think about crawling under a blanket and eating or drinking something warm and soothing. I fought off the urge to run through a drive-through and get something with gluten. I settled for a hot tea.

Sunday found me feeling worse. It hurt to walk. I had to force myself to do my usual exercise. I walk 4 to 5 nights a week, sometimes on my treadmill, sometimes at the local high school track. I knew that exercising would not make me feel worse, so I went through the motions. I had also been having trouble sleeping for several nights. I wasn't getting enough sleep or deep sleep. This is a big problem for those of us with fibromyalgia. I drank a lot of water and tea Sunday, and ate very little, just trying to flush whatever this was out of my body.

When I awoke Monday, I felt worse than I have in a really, really long time. Everything hurt. And I mean, everything! I walk up 22 stairs to get to my office, and I didn't run up those stairs even one time on Monday. I have a new project which requires figuring out how to extract a lot of data and put it into spreadsheets. What a difficult day for me! I had that classic fibro difficult to focus. I managed to muddle my way through the day. Again, I drank tons of water and avoided any food that required digestion. I brought some of my work home with me, hoping that I would be able to focus later. That just didn't happen for me. I ended up going to bed early and sleeping for 8 hours.

I woke up this morning feeling much more like me. Many of the aches and pains were gone. I was reminded of something that I had allowed myself to forget. Sleep is a very necessary thing. If I don't get it, my body reacts in a very violent manner. I had allowed all of my "mulling" to cause me to lose precious sleep. Funny how we allow ourselves to "forget" these things. Rest, food, and self-love are all keys to our happiness, both physically and emotionally.

Wow! Who knew what I would be dealing with as a result of doing this challenge? I am continually amazed and thankful for all of the awakening that is going on within me. I am thankful for my days of pain, just as I am thankful for my days of pleasure. Dealing with all of these afflictions certainly purges us of our self-centeredness and all of the world's vanities, doesn't it? I feel as though pain sharpens me and gives me very clear "eye sight." Pain can be transforming and for this I am truly thankful.


p.s. I am sharing some food pics. One is of my lemon water and my gluten free veggie pasta salad (a new recipe that my entire family enjoys). I'm also sharing a pic of the ice cream that I made last weekend. It's Cherry Garcia made with coconut milk. Again, the entire family loved it! Oh, and I'm also sharing a pic of my green canning jar that I picked up at the flea market.


Delicious Alternatives said...

Love it Rose, good on you. Will you share your ice cream recipe?

Mary said...

Good for you!

Yes, please share the ice cream recipe!!!!

Barb said...

Giving up corn and nightshades gave my friend with fibro great relief from pain and fog.

Dorothy said...

Rose, I really felt like I got to know you better with this post. Both with the words and the photos. I could relate. You're a neat lady! Look forward to the next post.

Rose said...

I am going to attempt to post a link to my ice cream recipe.

I used full fat coconut milk and didn't use any "lite."
I, also, used Enjoy Life chocolate chunks.


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