I've had a rough go of it the past couple weeks or so. My roughness began a few weeks back when, after a few nights of meditating, some nagging issues chose to rise to the surface. They rose several nights in a row. Issues on a very personal level that I need to find a way to deal with...a healthy way. Not the way that I have handled them for far too long.
I have a definite pattern:
- Ignore the issues and continue to try to do everything with no help.
- Overdo to the point that I get completely and totally fed up with the situation. Wait, I am always fed up... Okay, so there are times when I am just incredibly tired of stuffing these feelings deep inside my being.
- Upon realizing that I am, literally, sick and tired of having no time to relax, I feel used.
- Feeling used and misunderstood, I begin to dwell and mull over it and internalize everything for a while, which results in...
- Anger!!! I become very angry just thinking about it!
- I allow the anger to take control and thrust me into complete and total BITCH-DOM!!!
Confronting all of this head on always results in a lot of mulling and quiet thinking. I have always been this way. I sometimes attribute it to my ADHD. Other times, I blame it on the years of abuse as a child and teen. I learned to draw inward, a sort of coping mechanism if you will. Who knows what it really is. It's me, Rose. This is who I am. I tend to over think situations. The way I think has allowed me to be a pretty good listener and very empathetic with others. The best that I can do is to try not to over think too much. I have become better at this, especially after the realization 6 years ago that I have fibromyalgia. Too much internalizing and mulling makes me sick, and I don't want to inflict this upon myself. Only "me, myself, and I" can control this.
Last Friday, I wasn't feeling too well. I was having a lot of stomach issues and discomfort. I seldom have issues like this because I have learned that managing my food really helps. The stomach issues became bowel issues later in the day. By Saturday morning, I was feeling pretty rough. There was a little cloud over me. I stopped at a flea market Saturday morning when I was running errands. It was raining steadily. I had on flip flops and there were puddles everywhere. I ran around from booth to booth, trying to feel normal. Okay, so I didn't run. I meandered. I found a great deal - after some haggling - on a vintage, green canning jar, complete with the original lid. I adore old things. I sat there for a few minutes, laughing at myself. Silly, silly woman. I was soaking wet. My flip flops were dripping water and my toes were black from the mud. All I wanted to do was get warm. I started to think about crawling under a blanket and eating or drinking something warm and soothing. I fought off the urge to run through a drive-through and get something with gluten. I settled for a hot tea.
Sunday found me feeling worse. It hurt to walk. I had to force myself to do my usual exercise. I walk 4 to 5 nights a week, sometimes on my treadmill, sometimes at the local high school track. I knew that exercising would not make me feel worse, so I went through the motions. I had also been having trouble sleeping for several nights. I wasn't getting enough sleep or deep sleep. This is a big problem for those of us with fibromyalgia. I drank a lot of water and tea Sunday, and ate very little, just trying to flush whatever this was out of my body.
When I awoke Monday, I felt worse than I have in a really, really long time. Everything hurt. And I mean, everything! I walk up 22 stairs to get to my office, and I didn't run up those stairs even one time on Monday. I have a new project which requires figuring out how to extract a lot of data and put it into spreadsheets. What a difficult day for me! I had that classic fibro fog...so difficult to focus. I managed to muddle my way through the day. Again, I drank tons of water and avoided any food that required digestion. I brought some of my work home with me, hoping that I would be able to focus later. That just didn't happen for me. I ended up going to bed early and sleeping for 8 hours.
I woke up this morning feeling much more like me. Many of the aches and pains were gone. I was reminded of something that I had allowed myself to forget. Sleep is a very necessary thing. If I don't get it, my body reacts in a very violent manner. I had allowed all of my "mulling" to cause me to lose precious sleep. Funny how we allow ourselves to "forget" these things. Rest, food, and self-love are all keys to our happiness, both physically and emotionally.
Wow! Who knew what I would be dealing with as a result of doing this challenge? I am continually amazed and thankful for all of the awakening that is going on within me. I am thankful for my days of pain, just as I am thankful for my days of pleasure. Dealing with all of these afflictions certainly purges us of our self-centeredness and all of the world's vanities, doesn't it? I feel as though pain sharpens me and gives me very clear "eye sight." Pain can be transforming and for this I am truly thankful.
p.s. I am sharing some food pics. One is of my lemon water and my gluten free veggie pasta salad (a new recipe that my entire family enjoys). I'm also sharing a pic of the ice cream that I made last weekend. It's Cherry Garcia made with coconut milk. Again, the entire family loved it! Oh, and I'm also sharing a pic of my green canning jar that I picked up at the flea market.