Inspired Cooking and Orgasms
Cooking in the kitchen... The kitchen has become a place of meditation for me. I get new insights and connections as I am slicing and stirring and working with the food. I was thinking about Mr. Dynamic. Flashes of insight:
Power struggle between me and my Dad. Dad trying to have power over me. Me fighting back. I won't be beaten down, no matter what. Don't want to give up my power.
Power issues between me and Mr. Dynamic. He feels his power and knows how to use it. I no longer feel my power (since my Washington health experience). He needs to be in control. I need to feel safe and I also like being in control.
What causes me to lose my power? Crying in front of a man? Yes. What else? Sexual intimacy. Having orgasms. This requires letting my guard down (feels scary). What the hell? Am I afraid I will lose my power if I have an orgasm with a man? Do I actually believe that?
I have a hard time receiving. Receiving compliments, receiving gifts from men, asking for/receiving help from others, even receiving pleasure in bed. And how is all that connected to keeping my personal power? My need to be independent?
Having an orgasm is not just sexual pleasure, but it's also releasing emotions that I have stuffed down inside. My emotions and sexual pleasure travel the same pathway. How is that connected to my power?
There is a connection between feeling safe and feeling my power. Somehow that is connected to sexual intimacy and orgasms. Feelings of vulnerability feel like a loss of power. Oh no! I can feel it inside me. This is a big issue. Now what do I do about it?
I e-mailed Iris and here's what she wrote:
I think that crying in front of people, orgasming, and generally just letting your guard down is actually very powerful. It says that you are strong enough that you can be vulnerable in front of other people. In fact, the stronger I feel in who I am, the more I am able to let my guard down.
I guess the question is, do you feel like Mr. Dynamic is someone you can safely let your guard down with? Is he someone who wants you to be submissive, or someone who is strong and wants you to meet him in your own strength? Is he someone who appreciates and would want you to feel strong, not someone who would want you to feel as your father did?
Mr. Dynamic: The Next Episode
The last time I wrote about Mr. Dynamic, I had just finished a tough, emotionally draining phone call with the man. Here's what happened next...
The next morning
Woke up with a dull headache. Still felt the impact of last night's call. I trudge to the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. Somehow my hair looks just right. I like my face. I like myself. Fuck feeling bad! I'm not wasting any more time on doubt or self-punishment. Instead, I'm going to focus on being gluten free and taking care of myself. Time to go outside and enjoy the sunshine.
Woke up. I actually feel calm, at peace this morning.
At first I tried to resist, but then I texted Mr. Dynamic:
Me: My position is being eliminated. They want me to move to the main office. I need a friend, someone I can talk things out with. Can I talk to you about it? Get your advice?
Mr. D: Yes, call later.
Later that evening...
Phonecon with Mr. Dynamic about my job situation. His advice was clear and efficient. It also made me realize how much he gets me:
Mr. D: Do NOT resign from your job. Find out how much money you would make from unemployment. Get on the internet and job search every single night... You are hiding at your current job. It's a mom and pop place and it's not the right fit for you. You are not utilizing your real values and that's why you are not getting paid. You need to NOT HIDE and you need to find a job that utilizes your values and you will get paid for them... Love that he sees I have value.... I don't think Washington is the right place for you. You have not completed unpacking all your boxes. You haven't moved into your apartment all the way. It's clear you don't want to stay. Move somewhere you love. Hawaii, the Bahamas, California, Arizona, New Mexico, somewhere with sunlight. Some place you will love living even if you don't make much money... It meant a lot to me that you came to me for advice as a friend, asked for my thoughts. I really appreciated that. It meant a lot to me.
(Wow, I didn't expect to hear that. That made me feel good. I could feel my guard coming down a bit.)
Mr. D: Do you want to come over and talk about the job stuff?
Me: Where are you?
Mr. D: In my bedroom, naked in my bed.
(Oh. My head starts spinning. I'm nervous. I'm confused. I wasn't prepared for this.)
Mr. D: Do you think about me? Do you think about the things we do?
Me: Yes, I do. But I'm confused. (I feel his powerful, sexy energy through the phone, and I feel my own response. All of a sudden, I couldn't think or speak straight.)
Mr. D: I don't want you to feel confused about it. What would you like to do?
Me: Take a bath (meaning, take a bath and freshen up, then I would come over).
Mr. D: Okay. (He thinks I mean take a bath and go to sleep.) Why did you get confused? We were talking and then you got confused. Why?
(I tried to explain it to him, how my head was spinning, how I had gotten flustered.)
Mr. D: I would like you to be a little less confused about coming over. I want you to feel sure. (He basically backed off from his invitation and we said good night.)
I take a hot bath, go to sleep confused. What is it about this guy?
Call my sister and explained what happened with Mr. Dynamic. What does she think?
Sis: You wanted to go over but you told him you were taking a bath? You couldn't tell him you wanted to go over? Dorothy (practically yelling), you need to get out of your shell! Express what you want. Just put it out there. If he says no, he says no. Who cares. JUST SAY WHAT YOU WANT. He is probably very confused because he doesn't know what's up.
Me: Okay, I know you are right. I'm just not used to saying, "I'm attracted to you and I want sex." It's the total opposite of how I was raised. You wait for the guy to call you, to pursue you!
Sis: Mr. Dynamic is alpha male. I don't know why you like the alpha male. That man can run his life, run any business, and run you too if you let him. That guy is in charge and he needs straight conversation. You just need to decide what you want and say it clearly.
Me: Okay, got it. I GOT IT.
I spent all week thinking about Mr. Dynamic and his body. I sent a couple of sexy texts. No response. Trying to fight the feeling as hard as I can. By Friday night, I couldn't take it anymore. I called my sister for more advice.
Me: I keep wanting to call Mr. Dynamic but I feel I shouldn't.
Sis: What do YOU want? If you want to see Mr. Dynamic, send a direct text and ask if he wants sex. If he responds, then go get what you want. If he doesn't respond, then you walk away.
Me: Yes, I want to see Mr. Dynamic. Yes, I want fun, great sex. I also want to see if I can still disrobe without being consumed by fear. Can I retain my newly found freedom and forget the body shame? I want to see what unfolds. And most of all, I want to FEEL GOOD!
5 minutes later, deep breath. Okay, here I go
Me: Would you like to get together for fun wanton sex, blow job, and other fun play time?
Mr. D: (One second later) When?
Me: (My heart skips a beat. Yay!) Tonight or tomorrow some time. I just got home but can turn around pretty quickly.
Mr. D: Call me.
After I called...
Mr. D: So you want sex?
Me: YES I DO. (Notice that was very clearly said.)
Mr. D: Okay, I have to work in the morning, be up at 5am.
Me: Okay, I'm coming over tonight.
Mr. D: Okay.
Arrive at Mr. Dynamic's place.
He greets me at the door naked. Very straight forward, take charge. Mr. Dynamic was definitely running the show and he was letting me know it.
I was all bouncy happy, Dorothy style. Gave him a hug and a kiss. I didn't hide my happiness or excitement. Just me being me. He said, "Okay, take off your clothes." Wow. No chit chat. He is not giving me any time to hide. He totally watched. Off came the jacket. He said, "Next." Off came the jeans. "Next." Off came the tank top. (I was wearing my pretty pink flowery bra.) A nice compliment was given before he said, "Next." Off came the bra. "And the last piece." Off came the underwear. Then he said, "Okay, get in the bedroom." I knew he was behind me, was going to see my jiggly behind. Oh well, get over it, Dorothy. I decided to do a running leap onto the bed. Then, giggling, I yelled out, "I'm the boss. I'm in charge of the bed." I started laughing. He gave me a long silent stare, then he came to the bed and showed me exactly who was in charge.
What's so interesting is that even though Mr. Dynamic can be bossy and controlling, he is TOTALLY about pleasing the woman. I mean, he spent a lot of time on me...a lot! I still can't completely ask for what I want in the bedroom, but I'm trying. I'm trying to receive and let go. Okay, this guy can keep going for a long time. And he makes my body feel pleasure, pleasure, pleasure. I'm hearing the music again. And then I hear bliss. I feel bliss.
At one point, I looked down at Mr. Dynamic and realized he was watching my face. Oh wow. I tried to look in his eyes a couple of times. My eyes stayed open for a few seconds, then I closed them. I was afraid of what I might see...or not see. Throughout the evening, I didn't feel like I was losing my power. I was actually finding it, connecting with it. It felt good.
Fast forward... We go to the living area to drink water and sit at the table. He tells me not to cover my breasts. I didn't realize I was, but just to prove it, I shook my assets at him. It felt good. I wasn't ashamed of my body. I was having fun. I was having great sex. Yup, this is exactly what I wanted. I told him how good I felt, really happy. As we stood up again, he said, "Are you spending the night or going?" (Oh think fast, Dorothy, what's the answer?) I very clearly said, "I don't know." He looked at me, then said, "Get in the bedroom." So I spent the night.
Sleeping with Mr. Dynamic
This time when I slept next to Mr. Dynamic, it was easier. He pulled me in real tight against his body, his legs between mine. I closed my eyes and waited a minute. Good, no feelings of being trapped or claustrophobic. I felt happy to be there. I noticed how good it felt to have his big body next to mine, to feel his skin against my skin, to feel him breathing against me. To feel him try to move even closer. His arm was my pillow. I kissed his arm, which I noticed he liked. He turned over and made sure I was close behind. Then he took my hand and put it on his chest. I kissed his shoulder. I noticed he liked that. I paid attention to his ways, noticed how he did things, let myself enjoy the experience. Sleep time was when I felt closest to him. He let himself be soft, be open. He let his guard down.
Waking up with Mr. Dynamic
Alarm went off at 5am. Some more cuddling and morning sex (yay!). He hopped in the shower real quick. I got dressed real quick. He made coffee. I was pretty quiet. Sitting next to him with my hand resting on his leg. Scratching his back the way I know he likes it. There wasn't much time and the "take charge" guy was back. We went outside to our cars. I gave him a hug and he kissed me. No more words. The day was starting for him, and night time was over. I drove home in the early morning light, still feeling my power.
Wonder if I'm ever going to see Mr. Dynamic again.
I am still my own boss!
The logical side of me knows I shouldn't have any expectations, but I won't lie to myself any more. I like that dude. I like a lot of things about him, and I like that he's not your ordinary guy. He has not had an ordinary life. And neither have I. It's not easy finding the right place to work or the right person to date when your life has not been ordinary. Because you don't want to settle for ordinary any more. Actually, my life has been extraordinary and I have a feeling the same is true of Mr. Dynamic's life. I mean, who else do I know who owns a camel?