With Marie, who I will admit is a friend I've known for about 4 years now, I generally want to strangle her, hug her, and cheer for her. All at once. Today is no different. Mostly I want her to know how wonderful she is and just how much happiness she deserves to have in this lifetime. If you read this post today, perhaps you can take a moment to send some loving kindness her way?
Hello, world! Alright, this is going to be a somewhat short confession blog. I have failed. This week has not been gluten free. The stresses of life have overwhelmed me and I fully admit I have fallen off the wagon.
Scratch that. “Falling off the wagon” is not even something I can remotely relate to. If the gluten free wagon is a horse drawn buggy strolling down a side road, I’ve been going 100 miles per hour down the freeway in a sports car headed in the opposite direction. That’s how much I’ve messed up.
Long story short, my grandmother passed away a few days ago. I’ve been drowning my sorrows. In beer. Golden, glorious beer. Is this healthy? Nope. Have I done it anyway? Heck yeah I have. I cannot say I am proud, nor am I ashamed. This is just like a journal to me to share my thoughts and tell you what I’ve done, but my thoughts have been all scattered this week.
My eating has actually been okay. No real struggles there, which I suppose is... some type of progress? I’ve had no desire to binge. Food doesn’t seem that interesting. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what I’ve eaten this past week, as it’s really been a blur. My solids, at least, have been gluten free. My (solids) diet for the past few days has included a lot of sour candy and Frosted Flakes by the handfuls. Okay, I’m not saying it’s been a healthy week. I guess those are some comfort foods for me. My grandmother used to always make me cream cheese and jelly sandwiches when I was a kid, which would be an ideal comfort food at this time, but being vegan that doesn’t much appeal to me now. I’ve found comfort elsewhere.
Since starting this challenge I’d gone for whiskey when I’ve wanted an adult beverage. However, when I got the call on Saturday that my grandmother was on a ventilator and a few hours later I would get to tell her my last goodbye I felt I needed some liquid... I don’t want to say courage. But maybe, liquid relief? The thing is, whiskey makes me sleepy (which is why I drink it in the first place). I didn’t want to be sleepy when I told her my final words, but I didn’t want to be myself, either. It all felt surreal and I wanted to feel surreal, too. Natty Light it was. Enough to take the edge off, but not enough to help me forget. I’ve been drinking ever since. This is day five.
Since Saturday I have transgressed with Natty Light (a lot) and Steel Reserve, a malt liquor which tastes like awful but does the job. Both contain gluten.
I don’t feel like getting too personal now so I will just tell you how it’s made me feel.
Mentally, I feel divine. I’m sober enough to be there for and comfort my dad, but buzzed enough that the sting of loss doesn’t hurt so bad. I feel alert, even happy at times. When I hear a story about what a badass my grandma was I’m able to laugh. Even be happy for a little while. I found myself laughing and singing in the shower yesterday. It was almost joyous, even. So that part is nice.
Physically, I am sore and bloated. Sore because I’ve still been exercising and recently (like, as of this week) started incorporating strength training along with cardio. I really think I am sore because I’m working muscles I’m not used to using, but it could be the beer that’s making my muscles protest. The bloating is no doubt from the beer. If it’s the gluten or carbonation or anything else I truly don’t know. My body just feels puffy and gross. I feel fat and my fingers are swollen which is definitely a sign of water retention but I don’t care. My digestive system is still working normally, which is a massive relief, because at least now I know that it was the dairy that caused me to be sick for so many months and not the gluten.
I guess that’s all I want to say for now. I’m sorry this is a bummer blog, honest. I want to give myself a few more days to wallow and then I fully intend on getting back on track. The beer is something I feel helps me kind of totter towards being mentally okay. I’m working on my third can of the day right now. See? I’m functional. I just don’t want to feel like myself at the moment. I don’t want to feel like the person who hasn’t seen her grandmother in three years, who hasn’t talked to her for two because I was too caught up with family drama. I just want to not think right now. I am so sorry I messed up but to be bluntly honest, I still love myself and I forgive myself for it.
As much of a setback as I’ve had this week, I think that last sentence speaks volumes as to who I have become and how I feel as a person. If you are going through something tough I want you to be okay, too. I want you to know that whatever challenges you are facing, I love you and I am here for you. I may not know you personally but I want you to know that I am cheering for you and I hope you’re having a good week. We all go through rough times. It’s okay. If you are struggling, that’s okay too. I won’t think any less of you and I will continue being your cheerleader, as I know you have been mine.