Rose will be posting her journal entries on the first 3 Thursdays of every month from now until December. During this time, she'll be receiving free health coaching from Shirley Plant of Delicious Alternatives and Iris Higgins of Your Fairy Angel.
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I've been struggling lately...in almost every area of my life, in fact. Struggling with the office, exercise, eating right, friendships (or the seeming lack, thereof), keeping up with everything at home, planning meals and prep, wishing my significant other would pitch in more, being everything to way too many people... Yep!! Everything has seemed like a struggle. I think the absolute worst thing is that I have allowed myself to feel "used and abused." Who likes to feel this way?? No one in their right mind does!! It sucks, big time!!
In reflection, so many of my struggles seem silly. I am held to high standards at work and this can be a real challenge at times. But on the other side of this, my boss is, at his core, a REALLY nice guy. Too nice most of the time - to everyone but me, that is. Of course this confuses me. He has no problem being "gut level" honest with me and has NO problem sharing all of his frustrations with me. At his moments of pure honesty, I am sometimes so taken aback that I get pissed off. Really pissed off! But he has no clue how pissed I am. I smile and promise to do better. I then begin a cycle of being pissed and taking a close look at myself. Oh lawdy! I am the queen of self-dissection. I put myself under a HUGE magnifying glass and ponder on each freaking imperfection. What have I done that has caused him to not be TOTALLY AND OVERWHELMINGLY pleased with me?? A laborious and exhausting task, indeed!
In the exercise department, I beat myself up. Just look at me...this cellulite and all this jiggly stuff! What the hell?! How did I get here? I long to be stick thin sometimes and NEVER have to wear a bra again. Yes, this is a fantasy of mine and has been for years. Yep, I'm a humanoid for sure. My daughter recently pointed out to me that I CANNOT receive a compliment and just say, "Thank you." Why can't I? Because I hold myself under this freaking magnifying glass where I ponder on EACH and EVERY imperfection!!! Why are they telling me that I'm pretty? Or that I look nice? What the hell is wrong with them??
In the diet department, I sometimes fall short. GASP!! I know, I know! What a waste of a humanoid, I am (insert sarcasm). It has been a real struggle lately to get lunches packed for my hubby and myself. He feels no need to help in this area, even on nights that I am exhausted. He rationalizes by saying that he just couldn't pack them the same as I do. Mmmmmhmmmmm....alrighty then!
In the friends department, I have felt like a dumping ground lately. I am that person. The one you can come to and NEVER be judged. I will just listen and be there. Funny thing is, I have no one that I can vent to. Every one laughs if I even breathe a syllable about struggling with ANYTHING. They all see me as this strong, strong person. I don't feel like that person sometimes. I just don't, sorry. There I go, apologizing again...
Now for the silliness part. In review of all these shortcomings, I am not doing poorly at all. On the work front, my boss hired a gal to help me a couple months ago. She does many thing that I just don't have the time to do. Ironically, she works 45+ hours a week, doing things that I used to do. I still have some of my former responsibilities and am preparing to take on new things that my boss wants to hand down to me. So although he vents and complains to me, he obviously trusts me and thinks that I am an asset. Otherwise, he wouldn't be planning to give me some of his work, now would he? In this sense, I have job security, and in this economy, I am very fortunate to have a job.
Exercise is a problem. I said this, didn't I? Truth is, I am now regularly walking 30-40 minutes aerobically, 3 to 4 times a week. I also wear a pedometer and on most days, I manage to get in 10,000+ steps. My office is at the top of 22 steps. We have no bathroom up here in our ivory tower. So every time that I go to the bathroom, I go up and down these 22 steps. Yes, my glutes are firming up! I drink a lot of water, so by the time I leave here at the end of my day, I usually have around 6,000 steps in, and that's prior to any aerobic activity. Not bad! I try to stretch at least every other day. I have fibromyalgia and I must stretch. If I don't, I really, really hurt (more than usual). I do some yoga at home and in my cubicle as time allows. Last Thursday, I started a Hatha Yoga Vinyasa Flow class, and I talked my daughter into taking it with me. It totally kicked my butt and I was really sore for a couple days. But the soreness subsided and I felt really good about it! I plan on returning this week. She only teaches once a week in my area and she is five minutes from my house. I am excited about this class!
My diet is a continuing saga and, more than likely, it always will be. I continue to struggle with sugar, but am doing so much better than I was prior to this challenge. I really don't crave it like I used to. This is huge progress for me. I continue to be gluten free, but snuck dairy in a tiny bit this weekend. For the most part, I am doing well with my diet. I am still doing a greens/protein shake for breakfast and big salads for lunch. I throw a lot of my dinners on the grill and serve a few fresh veggies. My husband and son no longer use bread or buns for their hot dogs or hamburgers. In fact, I had to run out and buy some for guests. We had a July 4th cookout, and I cooked all healthy stuff along with a gluten free cake and cookies. Guests brought what they wanted to. There was an amazing Italian pasta salad that looked delicious and everyone raved about it! I didn't partake, although I wanted to. I have a lot of room to grow in this area, and I will, in time. But for the present, I am doing pretty well.
As you can see, my life really ain't all that bad right now, folks! I had one big pity party for myself for a while there. Writing this journal is very therapeutic for me. I am writing this on my lunch hour, and sat down and started reflecting on the past few weeks. The words just flow. Sometimes faster than I can type. When I am finished writing, I always have a better perspective as well as renewed energy and commitment to myself and to all of you...my partners in crime! ;)
So what if I am the "go to" person for advice and whining? The folks in my life trust me and value my opinion. Not a bad thing! Could I set some boundaries? Of course I could and perhaps I will...when I decide that it really is a problem. But in reality, I am trucking right along. Do I want to learn to love myself more? Hell yes, I do! I'm working on this as well. I continue to read Louise Hay. I manage to meditate a little on a fairly regular basis. It's a journey, and when it ends, my life will be over. Therefore I am choosing not to focus on the end result, but rather today...right now...this very moment. And in the right now and this very moment, I am incredibly blessed.
Love and blessings to each and every one of you. You are all incredible!! ♥