Rose will be posting her journal entries on the first 3 Thursdays of every month from now until December. During this time, she'll be receiving free health coaching from Shirley Plant of Delicious Alternatives and Iris Higgins of Your Fairy Angel.
Learn more about the challenge.
As I pondered what to write about this week, my thoughts continually drifted to self-love. I am working on being me...being Rose...that woman that I have somehow managed to lose along the way.
Who is Rose? Well, that depends on my settings and the people who surround me.
Put me in the business world, and I'm a go getter, an A type of gal but with softer edges than I had 20 years ago. A kinder, gentler version of Rose. I am very confident in the business world. I've had a lot of experience, am pretty good at making decisions, and am very good at seeing the big picture in most situations. I enjoy this part of my job, seeing the big picture and figuring out what needs to be done in order to attain a goal. I enjoy pleasing my boss as well. Who doesn't, really?
I also enjoy mentoring other women in the work world. I had some less than perfect experiences in the business world as a young woman. My goal when training young women just entering the accounting/business world is to share as much information as I can. I do this in a timely manner, allowing them to absorb a little at a time, watching them develop a comfort level, and then helping them rise to the next level. I love watching a person's confidence build as she attains knowledge and expertise. It's very gratifying. In that sense, I think I may have done well in the teaching field.
In my personal life, I'm a total domestic goddess. I absolutely love all things domestic...sans cleaning, of course. I love to cook for people and watch them enjoy my food. I love to sew. I love to paint. I homeschooled my youngest son for four years, and to this day I love that I had such a profound effect on his life at a very crucial time. He and I share a very special bond. I love just being in my home and creating my own little world. I enjoy pleasing my family and friends with food and drink during get-togethers in my home. Most of all, my "loves" on the home front and at work involve doing for others and creating an experience for them, hopefully a pleasant one!
I am just now realizing for the very first time that I have never been able to strike a balance in my life. I have spent almost no time on me as a person with needs. As a young woman, I absolutely loved to be outdoors, walking and biking. I loved the rush from exercise and all the endorphins rushing through my body. So energizing! Somehow I managed to push that special time to the back of my life and it just stopped happening for me. I managed to be oh so busy creating and doing for others that I haven't taken care of myself.
So where does this leave me? In search of Rose...the Rose that I am meant to be...at peace with myself and who I am at any given moment. And how and where do I begin?
Shirley, my amazing coach, mentioned Louise Hay to me in our very first conversation. And so I begin with Louise. I picked up one of her books on Kindle this week, and am reading through the book. I will then go back and do little exercises and affirmations. What is my goal here? To learn to love and please myself, completely and unconditionally. I am totally prepared that this won't be an easy task for me. In the section that I'm currently reading, Louise tells me to go back to my childhood and start cleaning house. I'm not looking forward to this part of the exercise because, let's face it, most of us have some sort of dysfunction that goes back to childhood. We just have different demons that we deal with.
Not once did I give a thought to how much this six month commitment was going to mean to me, to the Rose that I have lost. This isn't just about being gluten free, dairy free, soy free, or egg free. It's not just about the food! It's also about learning to love myself. If I don't love and accept myself, then how can I become who I am truly meant to be?
P.S. Regarding my sugar addiction, I am making some progress. My morning death drink now has far less sugar since I have been adding unsweetened vanilla almond milk in place of some of the sweetener. I am becoming more accustomed to the flavor and enjoying it. Baby steps. ♥