Read the last installment here.
I believe everything happens for a reason. I always have. Yet when I found myself in a class on stress reduction, it never occurred to me that it could change my life. But it was the first step in a stairway leading me to where I am now. And just as in hypnotherapy, where I sometimes count down a stairway from 10 to 1, so can I count the steps that led to today.
As part of my final project for the class, I was assigned to present on hypnotherapy. I have always had a bias against this form of therapy and was not excited. Turns out it was not what I thought. In my final presentation, I led the class in a brief hypnotherapy group session, and for the first time that I can ever remember, I felt calm while speaking publicly. As I stood at the front of the class and spoke the soft words of relaxation, I felt an excitement that was completely new to me. In those short minutes, I fell in love with hypnotherapy.
Bastyr, where I was working on my graduate nutrition degree, also held weekend courses for the public. One of those was a hypnotherapy certification program, and as it turned out, the course was just about to begin. I jumped right in. Studying hypnotherapy first and then past life regressions (I'm also a past life regression specialist now), I began to listen to my body and my subconscious in a way I had never known how to do. And I realized how powerful it was to help others do the same.
As I was working on my hypnotherapy certification, Blue Eyes came back from Hawaii. I knew he was back because friends and Facebook told me so, but I wasn't so sure how I felt about it. I was still unsuccessfully dating Tom at this point, and while that wasn't going anywhere, I felt certain I was still looking for someone other than Blue Eyes.
We saw each other for the first time at a bar near my house. I went with my housemates and he came with his friends. Despite not wanting to be with him, I did my damndest to look good, wearing a sexy little dress and actually putting makeup on (that's a rare thing for me). But when I saw him, I felt very little. My walls were up so high I could hardly see over them.
We barely spoke. It was clear to me that he was uncomfortable and didn't know what to say to me. Eventually I couldn't stand the awkwardness and asked him to talk with me outside. I don't remember what he said or what I said. But I remember very clearly thinking I didn't want to be with him anymore. And then I remember kissing him. And just as before, the lust wooshed back in, the desire that you just can't force or fake. Even so, it was just sexual desire, I told myself. Nothing more. I left him there and walked quickly back home.
The dance of attraction began. I didn't want to be with him, but my body certainly did. (This makes me blush to write because my mom reads these posts. But oh well. I've always been open about this kind of stuff with her anyway.) I couldn't seem to keep myself away from Blue Eyes, and one day he asked if he could stop by to pick up his stuff. Sure. We both knew what that meant. When he came over, I asked him if I could practice my new hypnotherapy skills on him. Right. We both knew what that meant.
As a hypnotherapist, I guide people into a relaxed state so that they can let go of all the running around in their heads and just let their subconscious speak to them. Because I was still learning, I was practicing on mostly friends and family. This can be difficult because it can feel very vulnerable for the client. In this situation, Blue Eyes was trusting me with a lot since I had broken his heart and was now asking him to open it up again.
All that being the case, we had a really intense session and both learned more about his inner journey. Afterwards, I think we were both feeling more emotionally open than we had been with each other in a long time. You know where this is going, right?
Let's just say, he didn't remember to take his stuff home. And it was a few more hours before he actually left. 'Nuff said.
I had no idea what I was doing. Blue Eyes and I were sleeping together but we weren't a couple. I told him I was dating someone else and planned to continue doing so (in actuality, I didn't end up seeing Tom again). I told him I meant what I said when we first met and I didn't want a serious relationship. I told him I couldn't commit to anything.
He told me okay.
Blue Eyes has always been like that. He just accepts how and where things are in his life and doesn't ask for anything else. Maybe that's why it was always so easy for me to give him more.
In the meantime, I continued with my hypnotherapy practice, which included weekly practice sessions with a classmate. First I would practice on her, then she on me. Although we were both still students at this point, those sessions were miraculous for me. Because I've had so many students use me as a practice client at this point, I can tell quickly when someone has a natural gift for hypnotherapy. My friend has that gift. I would come out of our sessions feeling transformed, and I was able to connect so deeply with my inner world that I could go home and be able to continue the work on my own through self-hypnosis.
My world made very little sense to me at that point. I didn't know what I was doing with Blue Eyes. I wasn't feeling happy in my graduate program. My health was still all over the place. I was on the cusp of turning 30 and I felt like a fraud of an adult.
But something was becoming clear in my hypnotherapy sessions. Actually, a lot was becoming clear.
Hypnotherapy has the ability to help you drop the bullshit (you know I don't swear often, but sometimes it's the right word). Our minds run around all day like dogs on a chocolate high, and we can't come down long enough to know what's real and what's illusion. Hypnotherapy turns off the illusion.
I began going into my sessions asking what to do about Blue Eyes and my inner voice told me loud and clear. Over and over, I kept getting the same message in my sessions: Be with him. Commit 100 hundred percent. You have the potential to live out your dreams with him, and you won't get this opportunity again. You left him once and if you do it again, you won't get any more chances.
In the past, the choices I'd made in relationships had always been made with my heart, even when my inner voice told me I was making the wrong decision. In fact, many times I had followed my heart only to feel deep inside that I was betraying myself. Now I was experiencing something completely different. My heart felt confused and unsure, yet my gut had no doubts.
I made a decision. It felt strange to me because it didn't feel like an emotional decision, but rather just doing what my inner voice was telling me. I made a commitment to myself to follow my inner voice no matter where it led me. Whenever I was mired in confusion, I would stop, go into self-hypnosis, and just listen. The answers always came, even though it felt like more and more they were telling me to go down a path I had never imagined.
There was a peace that came with this. I stopped having to overanalyze everything and just started doing. It was during this time that I took on a business coach to force me to get over my fears, took on my first clients, and stopped trying to please everyone.
And I asked Blue Eyes to marry me. Understandably, he was reticent and really confused about my change of heart. How did I get from breaking up with him to wanting to spend the rest of my life with him?
I told him about my visions, about my inner voice, about the life I had seen was possible. I told him how scared I was to build a life with someone who didn't have a job and had such radical beliefs about our social system. And I told him that I wanted to take a risk; that I was tired of playing it safe. I told him we could fail spectacularly together or build our dreams together, and in either case, I would know that I had lived without regrets.
He said yes. Except because he's Blue Eyes, it was more like, "Eh do we have to have a big ceremony and all that nonsense? That's such a waste. Why don't we just have a party with all our friends and skip the actual wedding?"
As with all things in life, we'll have to negotiate. I'm not marrying him until I get a proposal from him anyway. I'm a forward thinking gal, but I'm also very traditional and I want my man asking me for my hand in marriage. He doesn't need to have a traditional ring (do you think Blue Eyes believes in diamond rings?), but the proposal will happen. That, I'm sure. And I don't need hypnotherapy to tell me that. That's basic science. Woman gets what woman wants. Happy woman = happy man.
You know it's true.
Read the final installment here.
p.s. It's my 4 year blogiversary. Happy birthday, little blog! (Read my first ever post and see how far I've come).