You know, when you ask a man to marry you, it's quite different from asking a woman. Had Blue Eyes asked me to marry him, I would have been calling everyone, immediately talking wedding plans, and otherwise being all girly about it. I've been to enough weddings that I know planning them is a pain, but it still looks fun. I mean, I am a girl, and I do have my dream wedding planned.
It's going to be a fairy themed costume party.
Blue Eyes hasn't fully agreed to that one yet...
No, when you ask a guy to marry you, things go quite differently. You wait a while before bringing it up again, and then he innocently says, "Well yeah we'll get married...someday, right?"
Sometimes I just have to shake my head. Yes dear, someday. Okay, I'll leave it alone for a while.
I'm joking because I know the marriage itself isn't the most important thing. It's the person you choose to spend your life with. And I had chosen.
My choice has led me to where I am today, sitting in a comfy blue chair in a clean apartment with dingy carpets. I'm in Lathrop, Missouri and it's the epitome of small town. Blue Eyes spent his junior and senior year of high school here living with his dad, and at the time, he wanted nothing more than to get out and travel the world. Now, about 10 years later, he's decided to come back and see if he can make a difference for this town, for his dad, and for himself.
About eight or so months ago, Blue Eyes went to Missouri to visit his dad. He called me often telling me he was eating crap, not getting any exercise and generally didn't feel good. This was what I knew of Missouri. And yet when he asked me to skype him one day, I had this feeling. Something was telling me he was going to want to move there. And I knew I would go with him.
We skyped, and he told me hesitantly, as if afraid I would explode. To be honest, I think he still didn't trust me after I broke up with him before, and he probably expected I would send him to Missouri and leave him in the dust. So when I just said, "Cool, let's go," he didn't know how to respond. For months, he kept telling me that I could stay in Seattle, that he didn't want me to be unhappy or do something just because it was good for him. But I wasn't following his dream at that point. I was following mine.
I continued to meditate and do hypnotherapy, and I found that answers came to me so clearly when I allowed my mind to quiet down. I may have had plenty of questions about how we would make things work, but my subconscious mind was perfectly content with where I was going. In fact, my subconscious mind was pushing me to go even further.
I had another two semesters to go in my master's nutrition program at Bastyr. I was doing well in all my classes, had a part-time job babysitting a little girl I was so in love with, and had a great place to live. And the plan to go to Missouri didn't need to get in the way of any of that. In terms of timing, we were planning to wait until this spring anyway, and that would allow me to finish school.
But my heart wasn't in it.
I went to a friend who was a hypnotherapist and we did a few sessions. It was immediately clear what my inner wisdom was telling me. Quit school. Move out of Seattle. Give yourself over completely to this new way of living. Meditate, follow your inner wisdom, and help other people learn to do the same thing. This is your purpose, and staying in school is just wasting your time and money.
Of course, many people told me I was an idiot. Close friends told me that if I quit, I would have wasted the last two years of my life. People told me I shouldn't go to Missouri and that I would be lonely and hate it. Even a psychic told me not to go to Missouri!
I'm really good at being a good girl and doing what I'm told. So making this choice that was the opposite of what everyone told me... It wasn't easy. And yet it was. The decision had been made, in my heart, in my gut, in every fiber of my being. It was made.
I quit school with two semesters to go. Blue Eyes and I spent months traveling around and living with family (thank you all!), and when spring arrived, we drove to Missouri.
And so I sit here now in an apartment that's slowly coming together. It hasn't been easy. I've been here less than a month and I've cried a lot. Blue Eyes and I have gotten into some big fights. I've questioned my choices and I've allowed myself to stray from meditating too many days in a row. But I'm finding my way back. The flowers are starting to bloom, and I've been back to meditating daily. I worked with a client a few nights ago, and she was looking for answers for herself. She got a lot of lessons in our session, but the most important one was to trust herself.
And I was reminded that I am the only one who knows what's right for me. Not my family, not my friends, and not Blue Eyes. Just me. And so every night, I go into my meditation room, close the door, and lie down on the couch for a few minutes. Nothing more, nothing less. I just lie down, breathe, and sit with myself. I don't look for answers or try to figure anything out. I just accept where and who and how I am.
And here's what I know:
My heart led me to Blue Eyes, my gut led me to Missouri, my soul leads me to my purpose in life, and my passion leads me to speak that purpose.
Wherever I end up, whatever I end up doing, my choice is always to live without regrets. And right now, I have none.
And that is the end. And of course the beginning. Romantical Fridays is ending, but that doesn't mean the story is. We'll keep on keeping on, and while our plans for a permaculture homestead/retreat center are long term, the wheels are slowly beginning to turn. Rest assured that you will be the first to know once anything concrete is afoot.
p.s. I told Blue Eyes (a.ka. Nix Calder) that I was nervous about my next post and he taught me the surefire way to get rid of fear. See below for instructions.
That powww? That was the actual noise that I made. Blue Eyes told me it was a good start...