Blue Eyes had told me he loved me. It was awkward and kind of amazing. I still get a thrill when I think of that moment. Not because he said it, but because of the way he said it. No one has ever told me they loved me with such fervor, such passion in their voice. It scared me and made me feel slightly uncomfortable.
It turns out, that is exactly how Blue Eyes lives his life: With an intensity and passion that makes a lot of people...well...slightly uncomfortable. This was my first taste of what it would be like to be with him.
And yes, slightly uncomfortable.
Sounds like the makings of a great love story, and it is. But believe me, those slightly uncomfortable, scary, awkward qualities? They can be really annoying sometimes.
Oh, but wait. Have you met me?
Someone told me once that Blue Eyes was like the male version of me. They were right. He's the head-in-the-clouds, crazy romantic gestures version of me. And I'm the realistic, everything must be organized and planned version of him.
Together, you get something like this.
|Brian Andreas Art|
It wasn't any special epiphany I had while I was there, nothing big at all. Just a quiet moment of clarity.
But you've learned that everything with us is always tinged with a hint of the ridiculous, right?
So here's how I told him I loved him back.
It was morning and I had to get to class. Blue Eyes had to get back on the bus to go to his apartment in downtown Seattle. But things felt stiff between us, as if something had shifted and we hadn't quite learned how to navigate it yet.
I knew I needed to tell him how I felt, but being vulnerable in person is not easy for me. I can pour my heart out in writing, but I can't say I love you without feeling like the biggest idiot on the planet.
So I drove him to the bus stop that morning. We stopped and got coffee to sit and wait together. And somehow in those five minutes of waiting, I managed to say I love you and make it sound like I hate you.
We laugh about it now. How the first time I said those words, I threw them at him like I was laying down a bet. "Okay, yeah, I love you too. What are you gonna do about it?"
Actually, I think my exact words were a very huffily said, "Well, you know I love you too!" Arms folded, lips pouting, eyes shooting daggers.
It's funny now. At the time? Not so funny.
His bus came right then, and after a flustered, "Yeah I know" response, he hugged me and ran to the bus. And I just stood there thinking, "What the hell just happened?"
See that expression on his face below? I'm sure that's what he was thinking too.
Read the next installment here.