About the time I asked Blue Eyes if he was gay?
I didn’t think so.
This actually happened before he told me he loved me, but it marked a shift in our relationship that I had forgotten about until this moment. And since it was so
funny important, I couldn't very well leave this story out, could I?
Blue Eyes doesn’t know this (or I guess he does now) but I was feeling rather meh about our physical relationship at first. Here was this beautiful, exciting, intriguing man who was treating me like a goddess, yet things in the bedroom were rather…lackluster.
I kept wondering where that throwdown was, that intense, throw-me-up-against the wall kiss that tells you he doesn’t just want you, he needs you. Where was the passion?
I began to have this niggling feeling that maybe he wasn’t so attracted to me.
I present to you the clues that something wasn’t as it should be:
Exhibit A: At some point during our first long, drunken conversation, he told me he had kissed a guy. He never told me the context and I didn’t really think much of it at the time. Mostly I was just impressed at how open and liberal he was.
Exhibit B: His Facebook profile said he was interested in men and women.
Hmm… Okay, so maybe he was bisexual. I was okay with that.
But combine that with the lack of raw desire I was feeling? What if he was actually gay, but not ready to admit it to himself? What if I was the kind of girl he imagined he should be attracted to, but he was really attracted to men?
What if his real reason for wanting to wait to have sex was actually because he just didn’t want to have sex with me? With a woman?
Maybe I’m a drama queen and I like to make things complicated.
I don’t know.
I’ve been told on multiple occasions that my gaydar is completely off. And Blue Eyes is not the first straight guy that I’ve asked if he’s gay. He is the first guy I was dating at the time though.
I eventually got up the guts to ask him about it. The last thing I wanted was to fall head over heels for someone who would inevitably break my heart. (I guess that’s the last thing anyone wants.)
We went for a hike one afternoon and I stood in his arms as we watched the sun set. And then I turned to him, looked into his bright blue eyes, and jumbled my way through, “So...um...hey I was just wondering, um, so do you like guys? I mean, are you gay?”
I really don’t know what's a proper response to that question, but he took it all in stride. Once I explained my reasoning, he told me the Facebook profile was a joke, the kiss was a drunken dare to get two girls to kiss each other, and no, he wasn’t into guys. The reason I didn’t feel the passion was exactly what he had told me. He wanted to wait for our first time. He just didn’t trust himself to wait so he was very studiously holding back.
He realized then that he was holding back too much, and that was when things shifted. It wasn’t long after that we stopped waiting.
Which brings us back to where we left off last time.
Girl met boy. Boy fell in love with girl. Girl fell in love too. Cue the montage of cutesy love scenes.
To be continued...